I was in the middle of the supermarket. Alone and abandoned. I just walked in, wanted to shop and suddenly it all felt so pointless. So I stopped, didn’t move or think anymore. Empty gaze and an empty escort girl. I just didn’t care. Because I was just so disappointed. From him, from me and life. A tear rolled down my cheek. I brushed them away vigorously and continued stomping through the supermarket.

I had often heard about this ‘new’ phenomenon. Nobody in the dating business would be able to stop at that. Celebrities reported about it, neighbours, friends. Somehow everyone seemed to have had some experience with it. But this form of suddenly staying away, disappearing, disappearing into thin air had never happened to me before. And I always thought that I would have enough empathy and intuition that that could never happen to me either.

And yet. It had happened, I had met such a specimen man and it had hit me quite unexpectedly and with full force

And yet. It had happened, I had met such a specimen man and it had hit me quite unexpectedly and with full force.  I hadn’t heard from him for three days now. No messages, no phone calls, no response. He just disappeared. We had met the weekend before. Had spent three days together, and had passionately attacked each other. He showed me his city, my old student city. A lot had changed. And yet so much remained the same, after I moved out and became an escort girl for a popular Escort Agency.

Butterflies in the stomach and high hopes

At the end of this romantic weekend, he had brought me to the train station, we were in each other’s arms, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Kissing on the platform is forbidden and we smiled at each other mischievously behind our masks. He even asked me if we would see each other again next weekend. I said yes, beaming with joy, and happily and happily trudged onto the train. On the way back I thought I could already feel butterflies in my stomach. And over the next week, we kept in touch.

We met through a dating site. First, we wrote, and then we met. Not so easy, because he lived an hour and a half away from me. Much too far away and then in the middle of a pandemic. But I quickly realized that we had mutual acquaintances. It made me feel safe, because how could a person my friends know be an asshole?

After tackling my last relationship and a few casual affairs, he seemed like a man with the potential for more

We didn’t talk on the phone, but we sent countless voice messages and exchanged funny photos. A Corona buddy who made my single life much nicer. And he had a sense of comicness, was successful, and seemed perfect for me. After tackling my last relationship and a few casual affairs, he seemed like a man with the potential for more.

But here I was, alone in the supermarket, heartbroken. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and pulled the rug out from under my feet. I only knew this feeling from separations that were preceded by many years of relationships. I swore to myself that no man would ever hurt me like that again.

Now I had opened up again for the first time, I had relinquished control and user trust. And that was punished immediately and radically

I’d built walls, I’d broken hearts, and I’d always made choices. Now I had opened up again for the first time, I had relinquished control and user trust. And that was punished immediately and radically. Power was snatched from me, no communication, no why. I couldn’t reach him, I was excluded and left behind. And that without my receiving an explanation for this abrupt loss of contact.

The turning point

For two days I cried, raged, and talked to friends. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. I knew I wasn’t the asshole here. I knew I had received a gift. Because this man had shown me early on how he communicated, how he dealt with his fellow human beings, and how important I was to him. I was just one of his love affairs, he wanted a distraction from everyday Corona, he wanted sex, he wanted fun. Maybe he wanted more and I was doing something wrong. But I would never know.

So now I knew what ghosting felt like. How humiliating and painful, but how instructive at the same time.

I even had some of his clothes. First I wanted to send them after him, then burn them and at some point, I just threw them away. I didn’t want to feel bad anymore and I didn’t want to make my value dependent on this one person. Because this action said more about him than about me. So now I knew what ghosting felt like. How humiliating and painful, but how instructive at the same time.

Thanks for ghosting me!

Of course, the heart got a small tear again. It has suffered and at first, this was a confirmation: never really show yourself. Close yourself off because you will be disappointed and hurt again and again.

But something was different than the last few times. The pain was intense, wild, and deep. But at the same time, I knew that I had not made myself dependent on a man. I had opened my heart, but I hadn’t turned my whole life upside down, left my city, left myself. Because I had done that so many times before. So life showed me that I had grown in the last few years. I was a healer than ever and I was healing more and more.

I knew that life would hurt sometimes and always, but somehow I would get through it because I was enough.

I knew that life would hurt sometimes and always, but somehow I would get through it because I was enough. I am enough And I knew that it was about that and only about it: to feel, to get involved, to let go. Just easy to love. Because that’s what makes life worth living, right?

„I am in a relationship with two people”

I think this title needs some explanation: I’m not in a “real” relationship with two people. To be honest, I’m not in any. But I kind of have a relationship with two people. And these two types added together would result in a “correct” relationship. Sounds like chaos? That is correct.

Mainly because both people don’t want to have a permanent relationship at the moment. One relationship is purely physical, although there is also the question of how “purely physical” a friendship still is after a good seven months. After all, you inevitably get to know each other better and better. This “relationship” is the longest I’ve ever had. So it’s no surprise that I can’t quite emotionally break away from this guy.

This “relationship” is the longest I’ve ever had. So it’s no surprise that I can’t quite emotionally break away from this guy.

For a while, the complete opposite was the case. I’ve seen him building crafts for our home and children in my mind. But luckily those thoughts have been gone for some time.

Since there is a relationship (or something like that) number two. It all started platonic at first. We cooked together, drank beer, went shopping, and watched music videos. Things you would do in a relationship with your partner. I had company on the one hand and physical closeness on the other. So actually everything is fine.

What happens if…?

But what happens when the whole situation changes? Is the physical component is also added to the other side? When you kiss and fall asleep cuddling next to each other? And what do you do when the next morning guy number two (yes, the guy who used to be number one) texts you and says he wants to see you?

Is that the first time you feel during sex that you want it to be over quickly?

You don’t even feel like it, after all, your hair still smells like him. But he had a death in the family this week and writes that it would be good for him to see you. Do you go to him because you want to be there for him? What do you do when he then kisses you and undresses you? are you into it Is that the first time you feel during sex that you want it to be over quickly?

Do you close your eyes so you don’t have to look at him and realize that he’s not him? Do you then lie crying in his arms afterwards and are you simply overwhelmed because he then writes for the first time in the evening that you could have a beer together (but it won’t happen anyway)? Do you despise yourself for what you do and for what you want but don’t stand up for?

Or don’t you go to him and feel bad for letting him down? Do you keep texting with both guys? Do you keep kissing both guys? Will you tell the one about him like you once agreed? Would it make him stop wanting contact?

What other forms of relationship could you imagine? Is there a way?

And do you end up realizing that you lied to yourself when you said you didn’t want a relationship either? What other forms of relationship could you imagine? Is there a way? Or is the fact that it doesn’t fit now a sign that it never will? The way things feel, they can’t be right.

Like in the movies… just not quite as romantic

I feel a bit like in a movie where a girl also loves two people at the same time. The plot then tells of the way to “the right one”. In the end, everyone is happy and guy number 2 falls in love with the protagonist’s best friend. The answer is monogamy.

But maybe it’s time to reconsider. Because even if I think at the moment that I want nothing more than a monogamous relationship, I am also convinced that I would then miss the purely physical relationship. That stupid “What if?”

And somehow things always go well with both men at the same time. While one of them is on vacation, the other doesn’t get in touch either.

And somehow things always go well with both men at the same time. While one of them is on vacation, the other doesn’t get in touch either. If you spend a nice evening with one and spend the night with him, a message from the other will be waiting for you the next morning. The two could talk to each other…

I remember a comment from a friend who wishes to get in touch with men again. “It’s always so easy with you.” This means that there is someone interested in me. And maybe she would call my current thoughts a “luxury problem” and wish she could do the same. If she knew…

It’s about the perspective

If you ask the couples who celebrated their golden wedding what has held them together for years, what do you think they will answer? Love? Yes, you can’t do without it, of course. But the important skill that you will have to acquire for a happy relationship is perspective. You should learn not to take things too seriously and get over the occasional annoying comment that sometimes comes out of everyone’s mouth. Therefore, the next time your partner mutters under your nose that you burned dinner AGAIN, he smiles and reacts without comment. Do you want to ruin the whole night for such nonsense?

Learn how to respond correctly, not to interrupt your partner and not to let his comments spoil your mood. Maybe they didn’t want to, they just had a hard day at work and they put stress on you. This is certainly not good, and we do not want to say that you have to accept it. But sometimes refrain and keep quiet. This will reassure them, and the anger will disappear in an instant as quickly as the steam above the hot pot.

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