We all know our feelings more or less well. Sometimes we try to put them into words, but we find none in the face of the storm that rages within us. Then there are situations in which everything erupts in a torrent. Uncontrolled and quite wild.
Feelings can be quite a dilemma. Especially when we don’t want to feel them
Feelings can be quite a dilemma. Especially when we don’t want to feel them. Or it simply doesn’t work because we’ve forgotten how. I don’t exclude myself from that.
Right now I am a sexy escort girl, sitting alone on my sofa on a Sunday evening watching the umpteenth episode (or already the umpteenth season?) of Dexter. I’m pretty tired. My head has been aching all day and yet I play the next episode while checking my smartphone every 15 minutes.
My colourful display shows me nothing new. No new messages. So why am I doing this? The answer is pretty simple: because afterwards, I will cry in the quiet of my bedroom.
The holidays are now a few weeks old and my mailbox is empty
Again because of this guy, whom I haven’t quite let go of yet. We had discussed, or he had wanted it that way, that we would not write to each other until the semester break. Surprise! The holidays are now a few weeks old and my mailbox is empty. I didn’t think it would catch me so cold. I’m pretty angry and sad at the same time. My colleagues from the Escort Agency try to make me feel better.
Disappointment kicks in a completely different way
My best friend throws the word disappointed into the pot and that describes my range of emotions very aptly. How can you judge people so wrongly, I ask myself again and again. I am frustrated; mainly because I would have liked to draw a line under it. But this silence prevents me. I certainly don’t want to give him the power to ghost me again. With that, he would then officially dive into the category Ar***. Mariana Trench-deep roughly.
Ghosting is super uncomfortable. It’s a game I don’t want to play. At the same time, I don’t want to get in touch with him first. I don’t begrudge him that satisfaction. I certainly don’t want to give him the power to ghost me again. With that, he would then officially dive into the category Ar***. Mariana Trench-deep about…hopefully.
I still can’t unfollow his Instagram account. That would be too definitive and somehow I want to keep the possibility of stalking.
Instead, I find that I can mute people’s stories and they won’t show up in my feed anymore.
Instead, I find that I can mute people’s stories and they won’t show up in my feed anymore. I find this to be a passable idea and imagine me glueing M.’s mouth shut. Above all, I don’t immediately see when M. is out and about in Berlin with his ex again. There’s something masochistic about wanting to watch something like this over and over again.
The dilemma with these feelings
So there’s the dilemma with those feelings. They are deep inside you and you vacillate between uncertainty and absolute feeling. Self-determination sounds different. We all have our strategies for dealing with (heart) pain. Feelings are there to be felt. They make us vulnerable, yes, but we also feel a strong connection to ourselves in them.
I thought I was “mature” and above it. But sometimes you just have to admit that no matter how grown-up you are: feelings are there to be felt. They make us vulnerable, yes, but we also feel a strong connection to ourselves in them. Because accepting our pain, and our anger at what has been done to us transforms us into a different position. By affirming ourselves with these parts (no matter how difficult it may be), we begin to care for and stand up for ourselves independently of others.
Emotional freedom does not mean any longer having problems due to feelings, but rather learning how to use them to step into our own ability to act.
Emotional freedom does not mean any longer having problems due to feelings, but rather learning how to use them to step into our own ability to act. That also means: I’m not over M. It’s painful to accept, but it also gives me the space to detach and take care of myself. What eventually develops from this is a different feeling. I wish for myself a relationship that is good for me. With a person who appreciates me and treats me with respect. Above all, I’m beginning to discover my worth. Because: I no longer want to make myself dependent on the whims of another person.
It’s a very nice learning experience because in the past my self-esteem would have fallen into the basement. With this in mind: take good care of yourself!
Together through thick and thin: Our first year of relationship was difficult and beautiful
Do you remember how we had our second date last year, exactly a year ago? We met in Treptower Park. You with your blue cap and me with my pounding headache. We went to get a beer or was it a mate? Then we sat down on stone benches in the midst of the March sun.
My temples throbbed, I just wanted to lie down and that’s how I lay. Eyes closed, head next to your lap. I allowed us that much closeness, even though we had only seen each other for coffee two weeks before. You were also wearing that blue cap and I was surprised at how much I liked your matching eyes.
One year has passed today. Today I know your child and you know mine. We are just a few days away from our first family vacation together.
One year has passed today. Today I know your child and you know mine. We are just a few days away from our first family vacation together. Half a pandemic, a few corona infections within our ranks, some grim political news and a lot of private shocks later, we were more firmly in this relationship than the second date a year ago suggested.
Because I had just planned three more dates with different men, after you, before you, in between. I more or less cancelled them all, put them off, postponed them or confessed to everyone who was interested: “I’m in love!”
I stood on tiptoe, you had to bend down – and we kissed for the first time.
Because when you came to a halt with me, one headache pill later, chasing the last warm rays of sun in the clearing of the park, I looked into those bright eyes – excited. I stood on tiptoe, you had to bend down – and we kissed for the first time.
Together through thick and thin
Since then we have been inseparable. This year knows that many things could have divided us again. This year was turbulent and exhausting, but also the best year in a long time. Despite the pandemic, we turned every park bench into a meeting place, our fears of failing each other. Despite the feeling that not only would we be hurt, but also the children in the background.
You are an incredible support to me, as I was to you as you struggled and squirmed for the first few months.
The children. In the beginning, they were a good reason to keep everything at a safe distance, but now they are part of life together. It just doesn’t work without them. Not really without you anymore. Because you are incredible support for me, just as I was for you when you tormented and squirmed in the first few months.
We’re a strange team. Unexcited. Whenever I think that normality and serenity couldn’t seem more boring to me, you make my stomach tingle. Like when you suddenly grabbed my hand and left the park with me. “What are we doing here?” I asked confused, pointing at the knotted fingers. “I don’t know, but it’s nice.” True. Have a nice year with you.
“Somehow” is all we can do
You wanted to cook for me. You’ve been meaning to do this for a long time. Somewhere in me I always knew it would never come to that. At least I’m with you now, eating the food you didn’t cook. Your roommates are good at cooking, that was the addendum you added to the invitation text message. It was nice that you thought of me. You even picked me up because it was raining.
My hair wouldn’t have survived the short walk through the rain to you either. I had tried my best, even blow-dried it. I haven’t done that in a long time. For nobody. I didn’t even take a hairdryer with me, I had to borrow it. I blow-dried them hoping to see them dishevelled by you later.
We didn’t know how to greet each other. A handshake? Too impersonal. A hug? Too friendly. A kiss? Too familiar.
We started watching a series in your room. I couldn’t quite follow her but was lost in thought about our evening. Our evening. We had spent so many together, but none of them was ours. It felt like that for a short time on New Year’s Eve. Your kiss at midnight was taken for granted. Short but firm. Everyone could have seen us if they hadn’t been too preoccupied with the alleged magic and all the auspicious promises of that night.
You put your arm on my thigh, I put my hand on your arm. It felt like we sat together in front of the TV every night. As if we had come back from work somewhere, had dinner and sat on the sofa as usual.
What I want
Yes, it sounds like a boring night out for a couple who have been married too long. Not much is spoken, people are familiar, but meanwhile don’t know each other anymore. Just the version from when you were young and wild. But that’s exactly what I long for. I don’t know how it’s supposed to work, just that I want it to.
Your roommate interrupts our togetherness. We sit together at dinner. You guys are talking about work that I’m not a part of. We sit around the corner, touching each other from time to time as if by chance. Dessert is coming, but I want to get the food over with as quickly as possible. I like the people who sit at the table with us, two couples. It’s always funny. But this evening shall be mine. my evening with you
We’ll go back upstairs to your room and do what this evening was all about in the first place.
We’ll go back upstairs to your room and do what this evening was all about in the first place. You are affectionate, we fit together and do not have to communicate much. Then we talk. It feels like we’re talking for the first time. What moves us, what we wish for, what shapes us. The words we speak to each other confirm what I have felt between us for almost three months.
I feel that there is something special about us. It shouldn’t be like that, but that’s the way it is. It happens when you least need it. In my mind, I imagine getting to know your parents, your brothers, your homeland.
Somewhere I know it will never come to this. But somewhere inside me, I don’t want anything else but exactly that. And yet the thought that this is out of the question is comforting. I know I have to endure the pain. But I also know how the situation is and that I can’t get my hopes up. Because having them and then being disappointed would be even worse.
Somewhere I know for sure that I’m not alone in my feelings. You feel it too, but you can’t admit it to yourself.
At some point, I think maybe you just care about the physical. Wasn’t that our common motivation at the beginning? Somewhere I know for sure that I’m not alone in my feelings. You feel it too, but you can’t admit it to yourself. You could not endure the pain that seems inevitable.
So you build a wall. Only tonight does it have gaps; Gaps that cannot be misunderstood. Gaps through which light shines.
At some point, I fall asleep between your bed, your hug, your security on one side and reality on the other. I wake up and the night seems forgotten. Somehow the evening belonged only to me. Somehow I knew it from the start.
