It’s been ten weeks since we last saw each other and for five days I can’t think of anything else. All this time, I’ve been working as an escort girl. You’ve mentally disabled me once again, and I wouldn’t say I like that feeling. In everything, you are so controlled, reserved, and full of self-control, but you are not lacking in honest words. And this time, they hit me with full force. But from the front.

I endured it for two weeks until we liked each other a third time on Tinder and wrote to each other again after the match.

After our last meeting in mid-November, which was intense and strange at the same time, I wrote our story off my chest, deleted Tinder, and banished you to my notebook or this story here. I endured it for two weeks until we liked each other a third time on Tinder and wrote to each other again after the match.

We found our way back to where we left off pretty quickly, and although you made it clear that you weren’t looking for a relationship, your interest in me was and is obvious. I’ll give you something that you don’t find in your open relationship that excites you too much.

So we write and get to the point that we will meet again – when, you do not know because your calendar is full. But you hope to have time for a meeting soon. You write to me on December 14th. Then there was absolute radio silence. I waited a week and hoped for news from you every day. At least the other girls from the Escort Agency made me feel better.

On December 21st, I broke up our match because I didn’t want you to wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year

Christmas was approaching, and I suspected that we would probably not see each other again this year because you are not spending Christmas alone, and I knew that you would be away on New Year’s Eve, not alone either. On December 21st I broke up our match because I didn’t want you to wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year.

The end of a year and mixed feelings

This is how Christmas and New Year passed, and of course, I thought of you. Probably even every single day. But I wanted to get over you – again – and tried to distract myself as best I could. It worked great until last week.

Suddenly, he was – another Super like from you.

Last week Sunday I logged on to Tinder again and it wasn’t 24 hours before my heartbeat stopped again for a moment. It was Monday morning, and there it was – another super like from you. I hesitated and closed the app.

Whenever I opened the app, you always came up first

Whenever I opened them, you were consistently shown to me first. I couldn’t swipe for days because I didn’t want to give you a yes or no, so Tinder had to be silent. Late Wednesday evening I gave in – and you alike.

The following day at 6:52 a.m. I had a message from you. “Good morning Y, that’s a nice start to the day. I’m pleased about our match.” And promptly, you had me back.
We started writing again and quite intensively from that point on, both in terms of content and frequency. You wrote that you wanted to write to me before Christmas because our last chat wouldn’t let you go, and I was happy because you thought of me without being able to have me. And I thought, now you know how that feels.

The chat intensified, and we very clearly imagined what we would do at our next meeting

The chat intensified and we pictured clearly what we would do next time we met, and I was surprised by the precise words you found. You understood that I was the wrong person for restraint and seemed to appreciate the way I communicated. And I felt strong enough to meet you again.

The tension rose

Thursday and Friday, we wrote throughout the day, and you said you were having trouble finding work, I kept you so busy. If I didn’t reply in the evening, I had another message the following day. And the tension grew. We made an appointment on Friday for Friday the next week, and to my surprise, you made the following suggestion: “I suggest we step it up a notch, and neither of us two beauties can take the pressure off ourselves until we meet.”

YOU, who are in an open relationship, suggest staying “celibate” until we meet. I wondered if you were single now

YOU who are in an open relationship suggest staying “celibate” until we meet – and I parse those words down to the smallest detail. I wondered if you were single now. Why else would you write that we are not allowed to lend a hand ourselves? How else would that work if you were still in the relationship?

What if the person you live with wanted you? Then you say: No, sorry honey, I have a date on Friday, and I’m saving myself. Weird, right? I secretly hoped you were broken up but tried not to read anything into it. I enjoyed how you never tired of emphasising how much you are already looking forward to our meeting and how difficult and prolonged this time until our meeting would be for you.

We were still texting each other on Saturday mornings – you even said you’d bring me a little gift – until you wrote, “I have to work now. I wish you a nice Saturday, Y”.

You deliberately made me suffer

Saturday, Sunday, Monday – the days passed and I heard nothing from you. How often did I check whether there wasn’t a message from you after all and I had just overlooked the message? Nothing. I’m sure you made me suffer on purpose. Not consciously, so I suffer, but I think it was your way of making the time leading up to our meeting more exciting.

So you didn’t get in touch, and I tried to give you that kind of preparation or excitement for the reunion. I wanted to endure it and made up my mind not to answer you if you should write and thus turn the tables. You should be asking yourself why I’m not responding and if I would stick to our Friday date. You should be insecure and let me feel your desire for me through words.

I endured it until Tuesday afternoon. Then I grabbed my phone, opened Tinder, and wrote, “I’m wavering. I don’t know if having our meeting on Friday is a good idea.”

I endured it until Tuesday afternoon. Then I grabbed my phone, opened Tinder, and wrote, “I’m wavering. I don’t know if having our meeting on Friday is a good idea.” Ten minutes later, I had an answer: < firm>“You want to test me.” And I immediately felt my throat tighten. I asked you what I wanted to test you for. No Answer. So after “It doesn’t matter. No, I don’t want to test you. I can’t take pleasure in inspiring other people’s sex lives. So, unfortunately, you have to look elsewhere for inspiration.”

Euphoria is followed by disappointment

I secretly hoped you would write that you are excited to meet us, can’t wait to see me and that you would sense my insecurities and calm them down. But your response was a slap in the face and stomach at the same time: “Our sex life is fulfilled and we are having fun.” Bam. That was it. OUR. YOUR. It depends on what perspective you read it from.

Your comment that what happened between you and me was only your business and mine and that you would respect me if I felt uncomfortable meeting them was just a side issue. I was just sick. Like you just kicked me in the stomach and gave me a resounding slap.

I can’t say what happened at work in the next few hours, I was like in a tunnel and hardly noticed anything around me.

I was so disgusted – by this situation, by me, by you. I was so shocked to have to read exactly that I didn’t notice how I immediately deleted our chat and thus the only contact option. I can’t say what happened at work in the next few hours, I was like in a tunnel and hardly noticed anything around me. Somehow I got through the last 24 hours, and writing everything down helped me this time too. And do you know what comforts me the most, whatever you want to call it??? For knowing that you struck me with that answer! I am 100% sure that you regret this answer.

I’m sure you know what those words did to me.

You have remained true to your principle of honesty and probably your rule of never chasing anyone, and you will likely remain so. But I’m sure you know what those words did to me. The fact that I deleted the chat only seconds after your words without comment should be answered enough.

No contact – final

You have no way of contacting me because – you don’t have to have a degree to figure that out – one of your rules is to only communicate with dates outside of your relationship via Tinder. Otherwise, we would undoubtedly have switched to another means of communication long ago, even if it was e-mail, so as not to give out your number.

Still, I know you’re wondering how I’m doing and what you might have done with it. Because with these words you broke our rule: no information about “the home”. And “your” sex life is now between us.

I am sure that you think of me every single day and that I will hear from you again.

Because your messages last week clearly showed that you find something in me that you don’t find within your relationship. I am teasing you too much not to want to see me again and implement what I have written. And I know you’re wondering if YOU would ever see ME again after that answer. And I have to admit: that’s a little satisfying.

When I asked you why you had an open relationship when we first met, you said that you both think you don’t belong to the other. Of course not. If I’m in a relationship, I don’t belong to the other person, and he doesn’t belong to me either.

Allow my partner to have sex with another person? When the time comes, in my personal opinion, something is wrong in the relationship.

Would he like to do sports and meet his friends x times a week? Yes, please, have fun! But allow my partner to have sex with another person? If that’s the case, I think there’s something wrong with the relationship.

All of these open relationships are maintained. One does not “belong” to the other because one believes that human beings are “ethically not monogamous” or because one communicates “much better and the trust is soooo much deeper as a result is” – I don’t feel it!

I think these couples are lying to themselves because if an open relationship is oh so great because of that communication, why are you looking for something outside of that relationship? Shouldn’t I then be able to express all my needs? And if those needs aren’t being met in that relationship, am I not somehow dissatisfied with that relationship? Don’t I want something else?

Applied to us: If our chat just didn’t let you go and you couldn’t wait to see me again, even if what happens between us is only your and my business and probably has no mention in your relationship – aren’t you lying to the person you’re going through life with?

In your open relationship, can you openly say everything that you found difficult to say to me but meanwhile even enjoy being able to communicate openly?

If you used words in our messages last week that you didn’t dare to use before and also say that you’ve gotten rid of the shame – aren’t you cheating with that? You and your fulfilled open relationship? Can you openly say everything you found difficult to say to me and enjoy being able to speak frankly?

Enough of this story, Enough of you, Enough of everything here!

I’ve wasted time over the past few days trying to figure out how you could get in touch if you were bothered by how I feel after what I’ve said. But enough: enough of this back and forth, enough of hopes, enough of this story, enough of you, enough of everything here! Because I remember how dizzy I get in carousels that revolve around their axis, and from experience, I don’t ride them anymore.

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